Woodend-Hesket v Maryborough – Round 3
– Daron Jacks
There’s always a chance of rain in Woodend and although conditions were perfect it was raining players at
Gilbert Gordon Oval on Saturday arvo.
It was a great turnout for our first game under the new lights to take on old mates Maryborough and fantastic to
see so many families turn out to enjoy the twilight game.
We have to give the seniors a big thanks for being the curtain raiser, and our supporters helped give their bar
takings a solid dent. Mostly by Pete McBride.
Somehow we got it wrong and rather than the young blokes giving us a guard of honour as we strolled, limped
and trundled out for our game, we gave them a guard of honour after their 400-goal win over Rockbank.
Still, they did warm up the crowd for us. But worthy of a group of old grey, bald fat blokes to show them what’s
in store for them in a few years.
After a 45-minute warm-up waiting for the Maryborough boys to turn up, most of us were ready for the showers.
But seeing they were a few players short we spared a few of our blokes and gave them some handy units in
Jock, Fordey, Fast Eddy, Johnny G, Barto, and Mickey. We also gave them Bushy.
But we kept our new version of Bushy, Simon who with beard and helmet has now earned the nickname Shrubby
(little Bush for those a bit slow on the uptake. Yes you, Andy!).
Chilts took over the board and moved the magnets for the day. A spirited speech of “go out and have fun” was
almost Barassi like, but without the passion.
Mad Dog Des Dowling was appointed captain for the day and having shed kilos, Dessy played with the
ferociousness of a Jack Russell chasing a chook. He was into every contest scrapping, scrounging, wrestling and
missing goals. His pirouette will be talked about for weeks…. Well maybe this week. But it was bloody
Having not played since his breakout game against Echuca in his new boots, The Package was back, without his
No.69 jumper. Oddly wearing runners at the start of the game.
Me: “Andy, where are your boots?”
Andy (in full footy gear and runners): “I’m not playing. They haven’t put me on the board.”
Me: “Andy, you’re at half forward”
Andy: “Shit, I better get me boots on!”
Magic boots those as The Package laid one of the best tackles of the game. The rest of us seemed to forget how
to do it.
He earned a free kick, went back and turned it over to the Tigers who kicked a goal. Still a bloody good tackle
Having realised we’d given the opposition a handy bunch of players, they set out to kick our arse. Jock was
killing it in the ruck and Fordey was beating the shit out of his mates! And Fast Eddy was lairising.
Ed, out of the backline marked, kicked, ran past his the recipient of his kick to follow up with another mark on
the wing. Not very Masters-spirited, Ed! This running shit is overrated and showboating like that was lucky not
to earn you a Tool nomination.
The other forgotten Tool nomination was Barto. Sporting a Tigers jumper over his Woodend jumper Barto
pinched a cheap goal after his Maryborough teammate did all the hard work to evade a few tackles, brush off
three players then soccer it toward an open goal… not content with shepherding it through, Barto toe-poked it
over the line… a whole 10cm away. Then celebrated.
The high five from his teammates was lacklustre. In fact he might have been slapped.
Fordey did his best to avoid half the club as he weaved, dodged and chopped blokes in the throat before one
too many attempts saw him get nailed. Probably dodged 10 blokes though before one of us decided we should
Razor was on fire on the half-forward flank, grabbing a strong mark, going back and slotting a sausage. A short
time later it got dark and he dragged himself.
He was set to open beers for the rest of the night as the Tool of the Week!
Our defence was under fire for three quarters of the game with three loose men in their forward line, and
Robbo dashing off the half back flank hiding in our forward half. Leroy was working overtime against blokes
twice is size – mostly around the guts – but the loss of his mullet must’ve taken some weight off as the bloodnut
was on fire in the back pocket.
Mick Woodbury continued to whinge about being nearly dead, and not fit and “please don’t hurt me, Daz”, and
some other begging bullshit about ill health and not running, before sprinting up he ground to mark the ball.
Bushy’s new-found svelte figure saw the great beard at centre half-forward taking marks, moving like a deer in
the forest and generally kicking arse.
He also found another reason to get his top off straight after the game to show off the six pack. That’s two
weeks in a row he’s been peacocking after a game.
The only bloke to get naked faster is Jase Koliba who makes into the showers before the game has even
Rhysy’s appearance was late, but his flash through the midfield saw our forward get a lot of action. Rhysy
always looks the neatest bloke out there, neat with the ball, neat with the jumper. Even after the game he’s
neat. No dirt, no sweat, socks up, jumper tucked in… we could call him Starch he’s that neat.
But he took the game by the scruff of the neck when it looked like were about to get our arses kicked… by our
Three-quarter time was the turning point. Needing inspiration Raccs fired up the Hawks, who were flat and
trailing by three goals with defeat looking imminent.
After Chilts moved Des to the half back flank and Robbo to the forward line where he always seemed to be
anyway, the quarter was set for one last burst to snatch victory.
But Des raised the bar in the WTF stakes when his lovely wife Jen brought him a salad roll to have with his antiinflammatories.
A Tool nomination was sealed.
But it was the Hawks’ quarter as Rhysy fired out of the engine room to kick goals and hit up our forwards. After
grabbing the lead the Tigers rallied and fought back to bring the scores to two points with a draw looking likely.
Robbo in his usual position of half back while playing deep in the forward line snagged a sausage. Not too many
defenders get to do that.
The first man in Masters history to run 13.4km for five kicks, seven handballs, two marks, four tackles, one goal
and whiplash from a hospital handball from Franko!
But the Hawks held on to pinch the win and sing our song for the first time this year. As usual, we butchered it
but we’re getting there!
Young Paddy did a great job officiating the game and even bounced the ball to start the game. Something not
seen in Masters footy. But the young fella even sledged the old blokes before the bounce. Nice work, son!
A huge thanks to Angela and Naomi (and any others I may have missed) for helping in the kitchen for the aftergame
spread. The Maryborough guys were mighty impressed.
A pat on the back to Deano for being on hand for any injuries. Which luckily there were none. Except for Des’s
sore foot from too many kicks.
He’s already working the game into his next stand-up routine.
It was fantastic to not only see all the families with the kids running around but seeing past players at the game
to cheer us on.
We’re a great club and with a heap of new players joining us this year we’re just getting better. We have a
three-week break now before heading up to Shepparton to take on the GV Suns. It’s bound to be a tough day
out. But Jeez we do road trips well.
The final word goes to Andy: We shouldn’t give Jock to the opposition, we should give them me!
Final scores: Can’t remember, but we won by 2 points.
Goals: Kohne 3, Nuttall 2, Tadd, Koliba, Robinson, Mangan, and some one else.
Milko: “Mad Dog” Des Dowling
Woodend Nursery: Glenn “Jobe” Wilson
Macedon Chiropractic: Rhys “Starch” Nuttall
Tool of the Week: “Razor” Ray Tadd